Get ready to be blown away by the utter yawn fest you are about to read. We are five days out and today is a cold blustery day. Getting geared up for the cold…not. Shit,
they say the highs will be around 30 and the lows 20…I think I mentioned that before. I have the boy to myself for a day..hopefully…if he does not run off to hang out with friends. We are going to clear the dining room table decor and start staging all of the college stuff that needs to be packed…clothing, mementos, photos, music equipment…etc. Shit is getting real and my heart is splitting apart more and more every day. Lord this is going to be rough. He is never around very much so I have sort of gotten used to it but it still sucks. They need to share this when they are born. I think I have said that already. I think we are going out to lunch today.
I went to school yesterday. I did not realize that the portfolio building class would only be 8 weeks but I have to attend it at school. My other classes are online. This is the first time I have had this instructor who happens to be the head of the department. What a refreshing change. He is interesting, engaging and funny. Refreshing relief after the other old fart I have suffered through for 3 years.
Well, that is another day of the scintillating countdown. Happy Humpday and see you tomorrow..or the next.
Yesterday was the day to have a small get together with the family before the boy heads off to school. We moved it to where the people are because my niece had dance practice and this way we would still see her and my sister. Also, it was easier for the old folks to spend more time with us before heading home. It was a lovely time. We just gathered up the goods and headed to Campbell. I am normally much fussier about the food etc but yesterday I kept it completely simple. Pizza, chip, cheese n crackers, and cake. Lately, I just cannot figure out…or should I say want not want to deal with food prep. I guess it must be the food avoidance that makes it harder for me to plan a menu etc. If it was up to me all food would be a smoothie. His cousin was home from her college…but then she loves coming home almost every weekend because she is an hour away. He got to spend time with his cousins and then he went off to say goodbye to his ex-girlfriend. They broke up because of geographical constraints this coming year. She is such a lovely girl and I know they were happy to see each other one last time before he leaves. Here are some pictures from the party.
It feels like he is gone already because he spends more time out of the house than ever. Between work and friends, we are already missing him dearly. Today he has been in the city(San Francisco) with his best friend.
I am starting to watch the weather closely and Manhattan heated up to a balmy 30deg F today. Lord help me. I am not used to that at all.
I had a meeting with the nutritionist on Friday. My issues go in cycles and I am stress eating at the moment with binges. I was not in the mood to go and deal with it on Friday and I came very close to canceling because sometimes the old Sharon comes out and she has food as her boss. I am glad that I went. I hate preparing food, to begin with, but I HATE making food for myself so I will sometimes not bother at all. So I am going to try and concentrate on having at least one smoothie or superfood drink daily to get the vitamins etc that I need. I looked at the picture of me above with the guys and I look like a pale washed out dishrag. Bring on the iron infusions. I am still waiting for that appointment so I am sure I will only get there when we get back from our trip.
I am feeling weirdly numb about the upcoming trip. I know that I am as I like to say….Inside my own head. This is when I really need to watch the food intake. It is easy to just push feeling sad away with your hand reaching for some food. Tomorrow is my weekly visit with Not Jean and this will be my last visit before I leave. Next week I am on my own with the worries inside my head….should be like a crazy carnival ride. Maybe the balmy weather will freeze them….LOL
Tomorrow my classes start at school. I am doing the math online…did I already mention that….and I have now done all the homework and quizzes that precede the first test which is due on Feb18th. I love jumping ahead.
The rest of the week we will be starting to take stock of what he has and what he still needs to buy when we get into NYC.
Oh well…Happy Sunday and I hope that you have a great week.
The photo above was taken when I noticed this random tree trunk base as I was walking down the street today so I thought I would share. Today I decided to once again try a mindfulness women’s circle at the local Buddist prayer center. It was, to say the least….mmmm interesting. I am really not sure if this is for me. It involved meditation and then a circle introduction and activity about the circle of life and using medicine wheel. Here is a link to the information on a Medicine wheel. Very interesting.
We got to choose a card that spoke to us….mmm I wonder why this grabbed my eye So at any rate we were given a wheel to write on as we saw fit. I wrote my thoughts in the middle and then I struck on coming home that I should write the poem I wrote about Motherhood on the circle. So this afternoon I set aside time to go ahead and transfer the poem and then I decorated the outer limits into a mandala pattern as my own mindfulness exercise. Here is the end result.
I am trying to make an effort to get out of the house but I am a little unsure about this group being the right thing for me. I think I prefer the Restorative yoga.
My college classes are supposed to start on Monday but the Math teacher made the material available to us already. This class is really stressing me out and so I decided to get started this afternoon. I got into the groove and finished all of the homework exercises that are due up until Feb 8th. So far so good but we will see how long that lasts.
The boy was at work most of the day. It was supposed to be his last day but he is squeezing in one last shift on Monday. He then went out for dinner with one of his high school friends. Forget spending time with your parents the week before you leave. There is no time for that.
Well, here we go. Time is moving fast and furious. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the nutritionist and then I need to go and pick up a cake for the farewell party on Saturday. I heard that Sprinkles now makes full-size cakes so I hope that they are pretty good.
No one has ever had as much fun in a part-time job as much as this guy. He cracks me up. He loves going to work every day and the people at work have been teaching him to be a Barista which is funny because his job finishes tomorrow. If I had to get up at 4:45am to go and make avocado toast for overprivileged brats or wash dishes I would be less than pleasant. He does not even leave when his shift is done so he can hang out with the people that work there.
Yesterday he finally got his dorm assignment. He is thrilled with the assignment. He is getting to live his dream. He will actually be living on Broadway in the artsy farty dorm building. He will find his tribe for sure. He has a two-person room so he only has to share a bathroom with one guy. The only worry is that there is no dining hall in that building and I do not trust him to eat enough. His skinny butt cannot afford to miss meals. He has to go to other buildings to get dinner. We had to buy a few items of clothing for ourselves and so I got to buy snow boots for the trip. Actually nice and warm and I could probably use them here for the rainy season.
I actually got to sleep before midnight last night and I slept until 6 am and then I actually fell asleep again and then woke up at 10:45am. I feel a little human again but that churning anxiety is still under the surface…bubbling like hot lava. I want to go out this afternoon and buy the paper goods and snacks for his farewell party on Saturday. We are moving it to my sister’s house because it makes it easier for everyone. That way nana and papa do not have to travel here if it is raining. We booked our hotel last night. Nice and close to the dorms. We will be able to go shopping for necessities. His dorm room has even got place for a fridge and microwave. I think he has more closet space in that room than he has here at home. I told lovie that we did not need to do any touristy stuff but I think I want to go to MJ Trimmings again. That store is AMAZING. Walls and Walls of ribbons and patches and buttons…heaven.
Darn, this is tough on a parent. We are taking the strain. I know his dad is feeling it too. You raise them to leave but shit it is harder than you think. I wish I would have known this years ago. “Actual” Jean told me to be prepared two years ago but I wish I had known this 8 years ago. I know that I have made changes to have something for myself and I am still struggling. I am almost finished with my Digital Art and Animation degree and I am trying to formulate a way to get this business idea of mine off the ground. It is all stuttering and spluttering but I think I can get there eventually. Yesterday I started looking at some math classes on Khan Academy. I am amused at the prospect of actually having to pass two math classes in the next two semesters if I want to finish this degree. Heaven help me and my live-in tutor. Mr “Three degrees from MIT” has his work cut out for him. LOL.
I have been watching the weather in Manhattan and I have noticed that it is getting colder and colder. Oh Lord, this is going to be fun.
Firstly, this picture has nothing to do with this blog but it just a picture that I took outside my front door months ago. The little boy who used to be our neighbor hung it on a tree outside my door. I loved the way it looked…obviously made from driftwood.
I am dragging so much today. I am still not sleeping so I am wrecked. I am like a walking zombie. As each day passes shit is getting real. The change is coming fast and furious and I know it is just a circle of life and it has to be but Geez that is easier said than done when it comes to acceptance. Had a pretty productive time with Not Jean today. Not sure why it helps to hash it out but it does. I did not get much done apart from that. I sat on the couch most of the day. I really have to make a commitment to keeping myself busy with activities that I enjoy. I am making a commitment to myself to go to yoga tomorrow morning. I have to get out. I have no ambition to do anything at the moment and the erratic eating is not doing me any good when it is mixed with my insomnia and iron deficiency. For that reason, this is the most boring blog ever. I did have a delicious Gingersnap coffee from Philz coffee…at least that was a treat. I did get the syllabus for my math class for this semester. YIKES. Can this old brain even add 1+1 successfully nowadays? Only time will tell
Oh well sorry to bore you silly. Maybe I will be more alive tomorrrow.
I finally put together a design for the first time in about 4-6 weeks. I loved these face elements that I had so decided to create this pattern. I am in love with these pseudo faces. I am glad that I at least got this done today otherwise I would be really useless. I did not make it to Michaels. I want to take the painting to be measured for a matte and it is cold and raining so I do not want it damaged. I actually got to sit at my desk today. It is funny that the house is always neat and tidy but my desk like my head is a jumbled mess. The kiddo went to work at 6am this morning. He has only four days of work left. He was home for a little bit of time and then he was gone again with his friend from high school. Lovie and I decided to go out to dinner. Most Saturdays I am a…”Nah! not this week person but tonight I thought we might as well get out of the house. So we decided to wing it and go to this Thai place that we like in a nearby town. We figured that if it was busy we could go to the Japanese place in the same complex. We got this at the perfect time and were seated right away.
I ordered the chicken satay appetizer as my meal. It was really lovely. I had lychee tea. I have not had it in ages. I can no longer tolerate things being that sweet. I kept cutting it with water to make it more palatable. I am so ticked at myself. I pulled on a nice new sweater to go out to dinner and I, of course, spilled peanut sauce on myself. I hope to goodness it is not ruined. I have this thing about clothes and stains. If it has even one speck that will not come out I will never wear it again. If I can see it on the front of my shirt I cannot deal with it. It is in the wash right now. I hope that it is ok because I wanted to wear it on the plane to New York because it is really cozy and has a shearling lined hoodie. Dinner was nice but the food is really bothering me at the moment. I have been missing my 1000-1200 calorie goal and the moment I do that I gain weight. The nutritionist always says that it is because my body goes out of starvation mode and panics because it anticipates the next time it will be starved. She also says that if I just concentrated on nutrition it will adjust itself. I know that my nutrition is atrocious at the moment and it did show up in my last bloodwork. I am so washed out again and the sleep issues are not helping. I feel like a fat blob. Terrified of the 10-12lb weight gain of last year. I feel like a nap about 2 hours after I wake up Crazy huh! Now we are home and I am watching mindless youtube while typing this blog. Mindless youtube is sometimes a good thing. I am really an odd cookie. I love watching Aussie crime shows, British vloggers, Woodturning(yes I said woodturning), music from Evan Hanson and fat people. You cannot get more varied than that. LOL.
Seventeen days and counting…YIKES! They finally sent us an email to tell us that they are giving dorm and roommate information…at last. I meant to go to Restorative Yoga this morning but I had a really hard time waking up this morning…so I never made it. I guess the sleep “help” was dialed up too high.
I spent the whole day and I mean the whole day working on organizing my work desk in the family room. The desk was messy but not as it appears in some of the pictures below. I kind of pulled it apart to put it together. I have recently bought a painting and a giclee print from a local artist and I wanted to hang her work above my desk with a few other pieces of art that I have bought or made. I hung the print but I need to take it in and have a matte made and I need to adjust the frame size. So here is my work in progress.
And here it was towards the end of the day. I tried to cull my little message board but I love to keep the little things that mean something to me on the board so it is full again.
Those three little African babies were a gift from my dad. He just bought them on his last trip. This is what it looked like towards the end of the day.
It will take me a few days to finish it off by getting the paintings etc framed and mounted on the wall. (The doll is a Frida Kahlo doll that is a work in progress Her face and hair are not complete yet.)
With regards to the countdown. I am really taking strain. Fighting every day trying not to use food as a crutch…..struggling bigtime. It is weird because I am ok with it and then it will randomly hit home that the chick is flying the coop and I start freaking out inside. I have to remember that he seems to be very ready. I have a “Not Jean” appointment on Monday. Thank goodness. I have not seen her in 2 weeks so she has her work cut out for her.
Well, the weekend is here again. Nothing much planned but I really need to get my creative groove moving to keep the overactive brain busy and out of the ditch. Now I have an uncluttered desk I am hoping that the creative juices will flow….who am I kidding. I think I might just take myself to Michaels tomorrow to order a matte for the artwork. I might just go to the Restorative yoga on Sunday. The only thing is that it is so darn early and that instructor is my least favorite. I think that soon I want to maybe try the exercise machines. They are always generously populated by old farts. That is the only issue for me. I am so paranoid about the germs on those machines. I am terrified of MRSA.
I hope that you all have a wonderfully peaceful weekend.
I have been trying to get moving again. I miss the walks way too much. This is a shitty photo but I really enjoyed the cool crisp weather yesterday. I love the winter days when the sky is blue, there is no wind and it all seems calm. I am only making 1 mile but it is a good start. I need to start taking the camera with me again. It will be great to get a nice walk in again. I cannot wait for the iron infusion. Putting the Christmas decorations away and the walk wiped me out. I needed a nap…ironic seeing as I cannot sleep at night. So I dare not nap however exhausted I feel.
So, there are 18 days until wheels up to NYC for move-in day. The sleep issues have been pretty bad. I do not like relying on doping myself to sleep but you tend to get desperate when you are still awake at 4.30am. The tuition was paid yesterday…no more denial now. I still cannot understand why they have not given him a dorm assignment yet. Insanity. The boy is spending the night tonight with his elementary/Middle school gang that I affectionately call the PiepieJoller gang. PiepieJoller is a South African slang term for little tweens who hang around and party thinking they are cool. I gave them the nickname when they were in middle school. It is a great group of kids who all went to different high schools but still keep in touch. Four of them have been friends since kindergarten. So once again I only have dinner to cook for Lovie. It is a pain in the ass to cook for one. I tried this “superfood” shake as my meal of the day. It was not bad. A little gritty but the nutty aftertaste was pretty decent. It helped me get half of my protein
Now for something completely different. I have been meaning to share the video of my Japanese Jiggly cake disaster. Here is a link to the actual recipe.
So another year has gone. This one whizzed by..Shit now we are on a 21-day countdown until D Day. Darnit…I am starting to sweat…or panic….or freakout…whatever you want to call it. It would be great if the college would start sending the details. It would be nice to know which dorm to pay for and who his roommate will be. The three of us always go out to dinner on New Year’s Eve but tonight it was just me and lovie. It is so odd because neither of us was feeling it tonight. We just went through the motions. We normally go high end but tonight we went to a Creole food restaurant in Palo Alto. Neither of us even finished our dinner. Now that is totally normal for me but Lovie is pretty good at being a finisher.
Now we are back home and lovey is playing a game and I am watching mindless youtube videos. Whoopedy Do..Happy New Year. Two old farts, farting around the house bored and waiting for the boy to come home. Why you need to go up into the hills of Woodside to have your new year fun. He is with some of his High school friends tonight. I cannot stand the road down the hill. I will not relax until he is home.
My sleeping issues are really bad at the moment. Last night must have been the worst night yet. I fell asleep at 4:30am. I actually fell asleep after Lovie got up to make sure that Max got up for work. I woke up about 5 hours later but I felt like hell on wheels. Damnit. This NYU thing is doing a number on my sleep. I have full on insomnia unless I drug myself. I felt like I was never sleeping again. I am not a person who hangs around in my PJs but today after I crashed at 2pm I got up at 5pm and got dressed to go out tonight.
I am still waiting for the appointments for my iron infusions. I hope those are forthcoming very soon.
Well, I am buckling in for a very, very BUMPY ride in the next few months. God, I hope I am up for this. I know, I know you have to kick the chick out of the nest but it is so darn hard. I wish when they place them in your arms for the first time that they come with a book that tells you how shitty this is going to feel when they leave. You do your best and feel proud that you must have done something right when they are completely ready and competent..but it just does not make it easier.
Well, Happy New Year and may you have a prosperous new year. May the universe be kind to you this coming year.