Fourteen….

IMG_1625Firstly, this picture has nothing to do with this blog but it just a picture that I took outside my front door months ago. The little boy who used to be our neighbor hung it on a tree outside my door. I loved the way it looked…obviously made from driftwood.

I am dragging so much today. I am still not sleeping so I am wrecked. I am like a walking zombie. As each day passes shit is getting real. The change is coming fast and furious and I know it is just a circle of life and it has to be but Geez that is easier said than done when it comes to acceptance. Had a pretty productive time with Not Jean today. Not sure why it helps to hash it out but it does. I did not get much done apart from that. I sat on the couch most of the day. I really have to make a commitment to keeping myself busy with activities that I enjoy. I am making a commitment to myself to go to yoga tomorrow morning. I have to get out. I have no ambition to do anything at the moment and the erratic eating is not doing me any good when it is mixed with my insomnia and iron deficiency. For that reason, this is the most boring blog ever. I did have a delicious Gingersnap coffee from Philz coffee…at least that was a treat. I did get the syllabus for my math class for this semester. YIKES. Can this old brain even add 1+1 successfully nowadays? Only time will tell

 

Oh well sorry to bore you silly. Maybe I will be more alive tomorrrow.

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Lights, Camera and Action.

IMG_7060This is my little booth..up and running. I am pretty happy with how it has turned. out. One of the scarves has been sold…thrilling. What I can gather so far it seems like the dragonflies are the winners. I have sold a total of 19 scarves and I think that close of half has been ones with dragonflies on them. I have been experimenting with different suppliers I went down the south bay after seeing the Nutritionist. It was a pretty productive meeting. Thank goodness. Trying to mentally chill out after that car accident the other night. The drivers in the Bay Area really do suck. The insurance for the other driver called and said that their estimate from the pictures is $5800 in damage to my car. They are cutting us a check but the body shop needs to contact them if the estimate does not cover all of the damage. I am a little skittish to trust them. I am not cashing the check until I have it in writing that they will cover all of it. $5800 dollars…unbelievable. Spent a little time with Nana. Thanks for the company and the second set of eyes Nana. I took the old girl home and sat there working on this new design for a while. Not sure if I will do anything with it but it is something different. I have no idea why the colors have such an acid hue when I save them for the blog. Here is a link to the actual image. https://www.redbubble.com/people/inkaput/works/31805985-russian-matryoshka-rainbow?asc=u&ref=recent-owner

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The kiddo is now really officially done with school. He has only got his senior project to complete and he finished his last AP test today. Time to look for a job. Tomorrow evening the lovie and I are going out to celebrate our 19th Wedding Anniversary. We have a dinner reservation at a nice local restaurant. It should be good. I will have to starve tomorrow during the day to save the calories for the evening.
We officially no longer have to get up early to see a child off to school. It is wild….we can now officially sleep as long as we wish. I am going to take advantage for a while…if not why not. Next Tues night I have the animation and on Thursday the English final and then I am a free bird with lots of free time over the summer to actually work on my designs. Thanks for stopping by. Have a super weekend and remember to be kind.

I am not invisible

 

Today started off ok. I got to sleep in and then see the guy off at 11 am to his AP test at school. I had my appointment with “Not Jean”. I spent the morning working on the Honors essay possibly for an Honors class that is most likely null and void and I have an extremely bad I don’t care attitude. I had an appointment with “Not Jean”. It went fairly well. So after the appointment, I went to pick up dinner ingredients to make curry for dinner and then I headed down El Camino from San Mateo to Belmont. (It is not worth taking the freeway at around 5pm.)I always duck under the train at a specific point to get to one the back roads but today I decided to skip it and stay on El Camino. I honestly had just said to myself…I wonder how the trip will change because I changed routes and a guy stopped at a red in a left turn lane turns out into my lane in his Tesla as I am driving past. There was a car in front of me and a car in back of me and he just slams right into the rear side of the car. I am sure there is about $3000 worth of damage and my back is achy. I hope that it is nothing that is going to bother me. He is completely to blame. Too many cars and too many people in the Bay Area and people drive like idiots. The annoying thing is the inconvenience of not having a car for the time it takes to have the car repaired.

So now for the weirdness. This is never a place that Max frequents. When I got home I went to “Where is my iPhone to see where Max was and low and behold he is in exactly the same spot that I initially stopped in the accident. Okie Dokie. I was weirded out, to say the least. I was befuddled thinking somehow the satellite had crossed wires with my phone. So I checked again and it shows him literally in the exact same parking spot I had pulled into after the accident to exchange information. When he got home he confirmed that he had parked in the exact same parking spot in the lot…about 20 min after I left. Neither of us ever use that parking lot and I am so weirded out by the coincidence. Strange forces at work. The reason I decided to go straight at the light was that the back street has become congested and there are a number of body shops on that stretch of road and you have to dodge mechanics running across the street.

That was more excitement than I needed today. Well at least it is Wednesday and we are on our way to the weekend. Thanks for stopping by. Take Care.

A violet bobcat in the teal elephant’s pen

Now that I have your attention with that crazy title. A perfectly crazy title for a crazy day. I am very discombobulated tonight. I slept in a little and I was getting ready for school and just decided to skip out today. I was just not in the mood. I called my favorite spa and asked if they had a spot for me. I got an appointment for 2pm. So I decided to get my butt out of the house and so I went and sat at my favorite coffee shop and had the scone for lunch. That was one of the best ones I have ever had. Pear and cranberry with their fresh cream and homemade jam. Yum. I watched my murder mystery on the iPad while working on a design. I am starting to really love going to this little spot.

I then went to the spa to get the pedicure. They were quiet enough that I was able to have the lady do a manicure as well. I was halfway through the manicure and I get this cryptic message from the kiddo….exact words…..and I quote “Fuck, A wrench in the works.” and that is all he said. I was panicked. I was imagining that he had an accident or his car had broken down…something bad. Well, I called him and he says to me. “Did you read my text?” I said “Yes”, “Did you see the text I just sent you?” I then checked it and what do you know it is an offer of admittance to his #1 school NYU. Oh great. I was trying to come to grips with Boston and now…..oh Lord help me. He has 72 hours to decide. This has thrown us for a loop. We had literally just received the Tufts swag, that we had ordered, last night. I was just about to put “Tufts mom” cling on my car.LOL…Now what. The kiddo has been walking around with an NYU lanyard on his car key since last summer. It is a thing with kids to wear the lanyard of their dream school. Last night he took it off his keychain and replaced it with the Tufts lanyard. He has a good sense of humor so he has both on his key right now. Oh, the offer is for him to start in the Spring of 2019 but he will still graduate in 2022. The next two days should be interesting but at least my toes are pretty.

My hardware for my little stall arrived tonight. It was delivered to a neighbor a few doors down. Thank goodness my phone number was on the box and the lady called us to pick it up. It is very handy so that I can go ahead and really set up the stall properly tomorrow morning. I am heading down early and I am going to go and set up the stall and then take my baby sister out for lunch for her birthday. I am nervous and excited. This is going to be interesting.

Guess what guys. Tomorrow it is Friday. The weekend is here again. As far as the bobcat and elephant reference I will let you figure it out.

Fluffy Freeda

fluffyfreedainstagramI have always been fascinated by that iconic portrait of the great Frida Kahlo in all of her floral magnificence and so I have had this desire to create a curvy Frida…no reason I just have been wanting to create a curvy lady and she seemed to be the perfect muse. So this is my lady. I have called her Fluffy Freeda. Now before you get all huffy and politically correct on me…I am a fat girl and I am not making fun of curvy gals. I do not normally create stuff and then love it but I do like the way she turned out. This picture is a low-quality jpg so the true colors are a little warped. I spent a quiet morning at home today coming up with this design. I needed to calm my nerves. I woke up tired again. This is starting to tick me off. I am dying for a day of energy again. Maybe the anxiety is not helping.

This afternoon I had an appointment with “Not Jean”. After an email to Jean telling her I am struggling with “NJ” it was much better today. I think it is finally starting to feel productive. She is an extremely nice, kind lady.  I am just needing to get the boy to college and maybe the anxiety will start dissipating. I got there 5 min late. This freaking Bay Area traffic. I always leave about 30 minutes before the appointment but today the 101 was at a standstill. After the appointment, I went to Walgreens to pick up a few items and then I went to pick up some milk tea treats at the Happy Lemon. Love that stuff and so do the boys. drink-phone3.pngCame home to the boy telling me that he had to go back to school for an AP Study session. He has an AP test tomorrow and then Friday is technically his last instruction day of High school.   I  rushed to make him some dinner and he was on his way. Lovie came home and I sat with him while he ate dinner and now I am engrossed in this show called “The Missing” on Amazon Prime. I love long drawn out British Murder mysteries. This is the second season. Some excellent drama. Tomorrow I have school and I may just go find a place to have a much-needed pedicure before sandal season is in full swing. Oh well. Thanks for the visit. See you tomorrow.

Coffee and Crepes

 

Today I had trouble waking up and spent a lot of the day working on staying awake. I drove down to see my family who live 30 miles south of here. I stopped off at my sister and then we met at this adorable little coffee place after we ran some errands. Mom and I went to suss out this little crafter place that is basically a storefront filled with small stalls filled with little vendors products. I have arranged a meeting with the owner next Wednesday to hopefully rent a spot in the store for my scarves and bags.
We then met at this little place called the Heartbeat Cafe in Campbell, California. It is funky and adorable and the owner makes great coffee drinks. Brunch for me was some crepes. They were delicious. It was so nice laughing and chatting with my sister, niece, and mama. I never get to just hang with my niece. After lunch, we went back to my sister’s house and we sat and chatted for most of the afternoon. My older niece arrived with her boyfriend. She has me in stitches sometimes. The girl is quirky and she can really make you laugh.

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Orange crepes.

 

I took the old girl home and then I headed North. The kiddo is out with his friends so I stopped off to buy my love dinner from this great Asian Fusion place called Koja. They make their sandwiches with rice fried into a cake instead of a bun. They started off small as a food truck and now they have storefronts. So yummy. The short rib is the best but I cannot eat it because I am allergic to beef. While I waited for the order I went next door to the Asian bakery to get some Japanese milk bread. Apart from Brioche, this bread makes the best french toast. A good Saturday lunch.  The ride was the usual Friday night Bay Area Bullshit. I got off the freeway halfway home and took the “secret” backroads. I stopped off at Roberts,(a small little country grocery store for rich people in Woodside) and then headed home. I needed some salad for meals this weekend. I made it home about a minute before my love. I ate half of my sandwich. I can honestly say I feel disgusting. I feel so bad about eating that Koja sandwich(a pork one not the beef of course).  I get so nervous about spinning out of control. I cannot allow myself to eat something so decadent.

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Now I am in my nightie watching Big Bang and The West World Premier with the love of my life while using the rest of my brain cells to type this blog.The West World premier is way too gory for me. I have become very sensitive to that type of violence and I just cannot watch it anymore. That is why I am typing while I “watch”. Our kiddo has still not committed to a college. This is driving us nuts. Hopefully, he makes up his mind this weekend. I can register for my summer and fall classes on May 5th. I see three classes in the Digital Media department that really interest me for the fall. I do need to get a math class done as well. I guess this is how I will keep busy once the boy is off to school.

Well, that is all for now. Have a wonderful and restful weekend.

Befuddled

I am lying here in the dark listening to my darling husband snoring. I should be asleep as well but my mind is rambling and careening itself in to unnecessary ditches. Everything makes me want to cry at the moment, My mood is less than desirable. I started the day with taking the Lexus for a service and while I sat and waited I worked on a design for a fabric contest. Did not create anything workable but it kept me busy while I waited. I then went shopping for dinner ingredients….a kickass white bean and ground chicken chili. ….lf I say so myself. I tend to take recipes and make up my own similar versions. It works. It just means that you never get the same dish twice. My lasagna is always good but never the same. It is always a surprise when I use the instant pot. I should have photographed it for the blog. Next time.

I then will confess to a two hour nap. I am definitely out of sorts.I tweaked my hip really badly last night. I turned and it collapsed on me. I was limping the most of today. I have it taped up with KT Tape. Hoping for some relief.

There was some real crazy Armageddon type weather this morning. We had wind, rain and hail followed by a 3.9 earthquake and then snow in the Santa Cruz mountains.

Unfortunately that is as good as it gets today folks. I will share my design entry tomorrow.

Butterflies and Bullshit

butterflypeonyThere has not really been much designing going on these past few days. I did make a cat lady scarf.LOL.My anxiety has got the better of me again. I have been struggling all week. It is not made any better by the fact that I am exhausted and have breathing issues. Yesterday was total BS. I started off the day visiting not-Jean my new therapist. This is just not working for me. She is truly a lovely lady, but I cannot gel with her. Now I do remember feeling the same way 3 years ago when I first saw my original therapist 3 years ago. I did not feel that was right or helpful and was I ever wrong. She saved my hide after I was wrecked for my medical crisis. I, however, had never binged on leaving her office. Yesterday, however, I had the worst binge I have had in years. My anxiety was overwhelming. I get sad because I have come so far away from that broken person(physically and mentally) that I would hate to backtrack. I can honestly say that I left there despondent yesterday. I do not know what to do. The problem is that therapists in this area do not return calls. I think I need to give her a few more tries and then if it is not working to try someone else. I have been having trouble breathing, and I am exhausted, so I went to check it out yesterday. The PA did not think it was the fact that my iron anemia is back. She checked my blood for DVT, She did an EKG, and she wants me to go for a stress test. The reason is that my Advair and albuterol is not working all the time. I am having a lot of trouble catching my breath. My blood was fine. The EKG was fine, so I am still not sure why I cannot breathe…it could be my anxiety I guess.

Today I have to share those goddamn slam poems in my English class. I am so cynical about it. I do not feel thrilled about having to share poems with a group of kids my son’s age. Bullshit. I am not impressed. Wow! I am cranky today and on the verge of tears. I have a great life, but I am still feeling miserable. I hope this veil lifts soon. I know that this can drag me down fast. I think that after school I will go and sit in my favorite coffee shop for an hour so that I can maybe chill out and unwind these tightly bound emotions. Why did no one ever tell me how hard this college thing was going to be as a mother. Why do women not share these things? I am really considering writing a book about things you wish your girlfriend, mother or sister had shared with you. Something that would have made coping with a situation a lot easier. This loss is excruciating, and it has not even happened yet. I get to keep him until the end of summer. Maybe I should channel these sad feelings into items with Mothers day sayings on them. Watch this space! I might as well try and make lemonade out of lemons. Arghhh. I sound so negative.

If I am going to share them with those little twits.LOL…just kidding then I might as well share them here. The first one is about my life changing after falling ill. The second one about immigration and the third is about Motherhood and letting go. Now, I do not claim to be a poet so bear with me. ENJOY!

Self Hate

Almost sealed my fate

fat sluggish, unaware until it was almost too late.

Motherhood.

I know where I stood

on the back burner

I was a very slow learner

Unwittingly marching to an early demise,

So easy to self-despise.

Playing roulette with life

Pain and agony cut like a knife.

Emergency call 911

Blissfully unraveling, and unaware

Collapse, surgery, and intensive care.

Hanging by a thread

Complications and misery.

How did I get here?
A long journey back

and the complications began to stack.

Small Steps slow recovery

Finding new strength, a major discovery.

Active, busy, painfully aware.

My end had given me the death stare.

Walking, growing, strengthening

My stamina’s daily lengthening.

Therapy, exercise, losing weight.

I now can stare at a brand new fate.

 

The Blonde one

with hair the color of the sun

Catholic schoolgirl

the life she knows about to unfurl

A carefully crafted secret, not ours to tell

one life story closely guarded is hell

Decisions made on her behalf.

she is a kid, after all, you have to laugh


Danger, crime, and political unrest

because of this we did our best.

Sixteen approaching. When to tell.

her whole life view blown to hell

Drivers license, college looming

through the secret, her life is blooming.

Years of secrecy washed away

by consul visit in a land far away

Do not presume from looks alone

to identify a person’s original home.

 

Giving birth

the agony, the pain,

the love of this little being can drive you insane.

He grew, he changed, he spread his wings.

Make sure you pay attention to the little things

A first step, a word.

The speed at which it

happens is quite absurd.

Soccer, football, Science, and Dance

finding your passion does not happen by chance.

He tried them all

I watched his soar

and watched walk and I watched him fall

He searched and discovered his writing ability

His acting talent was not futility.

He fluttered his wings, he flapped and flew.

He touched the sky as I always knew

East Coast, West Coast what will he decide

Can I cope with a continental divide?

Boston, New York where will it being a

mother comes with a fee.

Letting go

the agony, the pain

the love you feel is never in vain.

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Avocado Toast from my new favorite place. 

 

A super birthday and MRI accomplished

I did it. I actually have had the MRI on my right hip. I am such a ditz because I made sure I took out my rings, earrings and I even wore a wire-free bra…However, I arrive and my sister points out that my shirt has metal studs. We had to go into the changing room and switch shirts. I hit up the Ativan and I splurged on two. I actually dozed off during the MRI. I will hear the results on Friday. I just want to get to the bottom of it so that I can get exercising again. I have gone hog wild today with food. I am sitting close to 2000 calories. This may not seem that extraordinary but for my fat ass, it just does not work. I am feeling pretty bummed about my lack of weight loss and I start calculating just how much I can starve to get it right.

We had a super time celebrating with our girl today. She is such a character. Love her to bits. Max took a separate car because he has volunteered to work on a film for a kid in the film club. I cannot believe he does them a favor and they tell him to bring his own dinner. I cannot believe the cheek of it. Unbelievable. I cannot believe that Jordy actually took apart the money cake to add the money to her birthday cash. That girl cracks me up.

Moving onto the next celebration. Easter next week at our house then it will be the birthdays of the other two girlies and my baby sister as well as Mother’s day…all in a span of two weeks. Then a month and it is graduation. Yikes.

I am in a design doldrums for the past few days. I have created nothing. I need to get going on something..anything. This cannot go on. So watch this space. Hopefully, I will have something to share soon.