I have not written in a while so I thought that I would write about the past two weeks and PTSD. I had my appointment with “not Jean” today and I finally got to talk about the past weeks as I passed the fifth anniversary of NOT DYING. So I have told you my story before about the medical trauma that send me down a very dark road. I have been in Therapy since Jan 2015 which was three months after the first surgery. I have really persevered at working through all the crap that went down. It has been long, hard and emotionally draining and I will say that I have come along way from the hot mess that I was in May 2015 when I was done with my last surgery. I have grappled with the guilt about blaming myself and my own bad habits for taking me to the point of being near death to railing against the mess up made by the surgeon that left an uncut suture inside of me. I have recently been working through the anger of not suing her for the hell she put me through,the medical group for not diagnosing the problem a week earlier when I went to urgent care and the hospital for infecting me with Cdiff.
So as each anniversary has come and gone I go through rehashing all of the trauma again and again. In the beginning I was rehashing it daily but has the years have come and gone and as I moved from Jean to “not Jean” it seems that it has been improving but every year at this time I seem to have issues…physical and emotional.The first year I ended up in the emergency room with severe stomach pains. I am fascinated and disturbed that it can have such a huge grip on your psyche. This year I have been doing better. I still have the anxiety but it is vastly improved and then we hit the second week of October. It seemed that as the 17th of October approached I could feel the anxiety mounting. I ended up in the Urgent care with my heart rate being out of control.It started in “Not Jean’s”office. Not sure if it was related but it was on the 14th. My heart was between 65 and 195…I kid you not. I was a little sick and I had a flu shot so that could have caused the tachycardia. I contacted my cardiologist and so I have been wearing a wireless heart monitor. I have had a rough emotional rollercoaster over the past two weeks.I was a wreck on the 17th. I had an Oceanography test and I left there convinced I had failed and I was such a mess I was unable to go back to school for my second class that day.I was convinced I had failed. I ended up with a 75 and I can do test corrections. I was convinced I was not going to be able to graduate this semester and I made myself sick with anxiety…so unnecessary. I saw the old food demons rearing their ugly head again. I seemed to want to cope with it by eating…back to my old habits…disgusting. I know that last week the food obsessions of to eat or not to eat were driving me insane and feeding into the anxiety. I am so surprised at how much the PTSD still rears its ugly head after all of the years of therapy. It definitely came as an unwelcome surprise. I guess I just need to keep working at it.
Now for a little levity…well not really but who the hell hurts their hip getting off the toilet at their therapist’s office. Today as I said I had a “not Jean” appointment. So as I left I decided to use the bathroom.The toilet is super low and as I got up I either pulled something in my hip or I fell back down and pulled something. Now I am in her office and my hip is screwed. I managed to stand back up and I figured that if I could not walk I had better at least pull up my pants. Thank God I can walk. My hip is most definitely screwed. I do not know what the hell I actually did to it. I plan to go to yoga again tomorrow. I am limping badly but I will see how I am in the morning.
On a lighter note I am getting items ready for a Christmas fair that I am participating during the weekend before Thanksgiving. Boy is not coming home for Thanksgiving. I am so sad. He is going to go to DC with his roommate. Thanksgiving is very important to me so it is going to be really hard not having him here.
So that is all for now folks. All I can do is keep on plodding along. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that I am heading into the last two months before I finish my degree. That is an accomplishment I guess.
Have a wonderful week. Love one another and be kind.