Two little words that sparked Terror

IMG_9218I am writing this late Sunday night. I have not been able to think straight for the past few days. This man in this picture is my reason for living. He is very far away at college and I am very proud of how he has adapted to his new life and his excellent grades for the first semester. After his last visit, he was back in NY and he started getting sick. We facetime him once a week and so he told me before we saw him on facetime that he had a horrible cough. He then said it was getting better but then after the facetime, he seemed to be getting worse. Thank goodness his girlfriend convinced him to go to the doctor. So on Friday, he heads off to the Dr. I had just left my Dr who takes care of my anxiety meds and I decided to calm down by wandering around the nearby thrift center. While I am wondering around I notice that boy boy has text me to tell me that the Dr wants to send him to the ER in an ambulance but he was taking an uber. She wanted him to get a lung x-ray for pneumonia. So already I am freaked out and I kept in touch while I drove home. The next text triggered a full on panic attack and no shitting you hysterical response. He texts me to tell me that they had called a “Sepsis Protocol”. That sent me off a very steep cliff really fast. I was freaking out and I started sobbing uncontrollably but I was trying not to let on to him how upset I was. I could not gain control. I was so terrified for him and his health that I could not call his dad, my mom or my sisters. I had to text all of them and then sit and wait. I actually could not even text my mama because I was so beside myself. So they hooked him up to fluids, they started a saline drip and then immediately an antibiotics drip. They drew all of the bloodwork and performed an EKG and eventually took him to have a chest x-ray. I managed to contact his girlfriend to ask if she could get hold of one of his friends so that he was not alone in the ER. I also contacted Lovie’s college roommate and they agreed to go and see him if he was still in the ER at 9pm. They were just texting me to say that they were on their way and he was being discharged. They said he had mild pneumonia in his one lung. He had antibiotics and he has pretty much stayed home and rested since then.

The triage had called the Sepsis protocol because he had a fever and a fast heart rate. The reason I was completely hysterical over that news was that I have survived sepsis and I know just how deadly it is and how it ….excuse the french….can fuck up your physical and mental health and general wellbeing forever. It has left me with more emotional issues than physical. I was in full organ failure and almost a gonner four years ago. That damage will live with me forever and my boy boy is young and does not need to be saddled with the fallout of sepsis. I was so relieved when we saw his bloodwork. I even mailed it to my sister to double check it for me. You know how we want to protect our kids from any harm and being that out of control was super scary. He was alone and scared and I could not be there before the morning. I actually started packing and I was going to either go alone or even take my sister to be with him if they had kept him in hospital. We decided not to go if he was at home so I have been messaging and facetiming him every few hours.

I had serious issues when I was recovering from my illness and I never once called my therapist to chat between visits. I think possibly I had emailed her once or twice. However, I was so hysterical I actually text messaged not Jean and she was kind enough to call me so that I could calm down. This was my worst fear and scenario. I have spent the weekend just quietly playing the Sims, designing a Love and Pride design for Gay Pride month.  This afternoon the homework app for my statistics class opened up and I started plowing through the homework. I hope I can do it. I am a little nervous. I can understand something one day and then forget the concept the next day….thanks to Sepsis. There is now a theory that there is something called Post Sepsis Syndrome. I am completely convinced that it exists.

Look after yourselves and love the people nearest to you. Tell them you love them every day. Have a wonderful week. I will be sharing updates on what the Dr says about boy. He has of course lost more weight. He actually agreed that I should make him an appointment with my nutritionist once he arrives in July. Hopefully she can give him suggestions on what nutritious extras he can use to gain a little weight.

So that was our exciting and stressful weekend. I hope things getter better for him this week. I love you boy boy.

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