So tomorrow will be here in a few hours and I am a confused mess of emotions. Since the end of last year, I started having weird and conflicted issues with him being 18 and technically a grown man. Then his birthday arrived and I realized that apart from his newfound penchant for minor rebellion he was still my same kiddo. Then he graduated and a little more of me crumbled. Then I had a minor chance to exhale when I found out he was only going to go to college this month. I got to keep him for another 6 months. Our little 3 against the world family intact for a few more months. Well, it had its trials and tribulations and more than once I have said that this was actually worse because it was like ripping a bandaid off of a very hairy leg.
Well as you know I have been counting down on this blog for a week or two now and every day brought up a new feeling, a new worry, a new excitement on his behalf but in the past few days, all those mixed up emotions have once again morphed into a new sad feeling when I came to the realization that NYC was robbing me of my happy little family . I know that he will be home in March for Springbreak but I am feeling heartbroken. I know the circle of life bullshit. I know that all good things must come to an end but the past 18 years have been the happiest time of my life. Getting married and becoming a mom 9 months later I have been a mom for all of our married life.The three of us have been together through thick and thin almost from the day we returned from Honeymoon. I have possibly defined myself too much as just a mom but for the most part it has been \very fulfilling and the three of us have been a happy little trio. Great memories, great stories, in-jokes, and sarcastic snark. We have had so many good times. Vacations like London, Hawaii, Victoria Canada etc. Plays, concerts and holiday events at school. We have lived our life happily and even rolled with the punches when I was sick. We have been blessed to have very few trials. It actually made the guys look at some things differently and I think the illness really solidified us as a happy little trio. I love our life. Calm, peaceful and loving. Over the past few days once again I am stymied by another thought/idea/feeling. Good or bad for my mental health I have been looking at everything we have done together in the past few days as the”last time” we will do that within the confines of this family dynamic. Last night was the last time we went to our favorite restaurant as this little family. Tonight was the last time he did his family chore of unpacking the dishwasher. It is not that he will never eat out with us again or unpack the dishwasher again but as we jet off tomorrow our lives will be completely different. He will be flying the coop with confidence and we will be here doing our own thing…whatever that next chapter will be. I guess I just once again got blindsided by more sad feelings that I did not anticipate mourning of the changing family dynamic. I always have a hard time verbalizing what I feel because I think I compartmentalize each event….just ask my family or the professionals that have to deal with me. I am such a confused puddle again. I think this day has been very anticipated and just when I thought I was starting to understand the feeling…(believe me it takes me a long time)this new sadness kicks me in the head. I know that it is intertwined with all the other sadness but this slow to compute woman is feeling it badly today. All I can say is that I am grateful that I have not Jean lined up for Monday to try and talk this through. It seems to help. I seem to get a grip on my emotions when I can understand why I feel like that. Just looking at it from a different point of view can bring me the much-needed clarity that I am looking for.
Oh well, I guess that is how life carries on every day following a natural path. Sucks doesn’t it. I am so happy that he is reaping the benefit of all of his hard work and I am so happy that we can do this for him. He has the world at his feet and he knows that hard work can reap benefits. He takes on the world with his quiet poised confidence. I hope he always remains the gentleman that he has become.(and stays away from the sneaky shit..LOL).It is just the circle of life.
Fly sweet boy. Fly high. We love you and you will always have a soft place to land.
Now on a crazy note. We are supposed to land in single digit temps. It is supposed to be 8-10 deg F tomorrow night….Excuse the french but FUCK! That is insane.
I hope that you had a super weekend and have a fun week. Think of us freezing our butts off with tears frozen like stalagmites to our chins…LOL..close your eyes and imagine that picture.