Rudderless and…….

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The compote jars that I found to decorate the dining room table. 

So it is 12.45am and I am sitting here after a long boring weekend feeling so full of despair and emptiness. I know I sound melodramatic but that is how I really feel. So directionless. I just cannot seem to steer in a positive direction. I had a meeting with J the nutritionist on Friday. So weird that I did not anticipate any strong emotions but jeez that was intense. I did make it to Restorative yoga on Friday as well but my stupid back was spazzing really badly but I am still happy that I went. Last night lovie cajoled me into going out for dinner. My appetite is in the toilet at the moment and I could not be bothered but it was good for us to go out for an hour or two. We are both feeling bored and blech this weekend. Nothing I touched was successful this weekend. Lots and lots of nothing. I have been hitting the Ativan lately..once or twice a day and I am running low and the Dr is out of the country for another 2 weeks. Not sure what I am going to do. I know I should be coping without them but darn I cannot shake this shitty attitude or feeling. My anxiety was so bad on Saturday that I wanted to throw up. Today I spent the day doing laundry and I made lovie a lasagna for dinner this evening. I gave up on my food halfway through. I cannot stomach it at the moment. I am posting this short blog because I do not have much more to share. I did suggest that this coming weekend we should maybe look for a coastal destination that we could drive to this weekend and stay overnight. We both need a change of scenery. I think Lovie is also bored at the moment.

I just wish that I can feel some inner joy and satisfaction. I do not even know what that means if I must be honest. Nothing feels joyous or pleasurable. Tomorrow is a “not Jean” day. Thank God. Oh well, that is all for now. Catch you later and happy Monday.

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