So two in two days. Wow…that is a first in a long time. I do not know how long this one will be but I feel the urge to share this feeling. So I have come to the conclusion that to just be a mother while your kids are growing up is the dumbest idea ever. This from a mom who stayed home all of our kiddo’s growing up years. Do I regret it? No! Do I wish I had had better insight into the ramifications with regards to my mental wellbeing and happiness further down the line? Yes!. That is the big thing. I told not Jean the other day that my advice to any young mother wanting to make the sacrifice of staying home would be to make sure that long before the kids leave the nest you have to make sure that you have your ducks in a row for your own life and the next phase. I know that my own personal journey and lack of inner awareness of my feelings have made this such a painful transition. I am sure I have eluded to it before but today the feelings are very raw. Now at 52, I am suddenly at the end of my rope and it is at a very loose end. I can honestly say that I do not know who the F(bleep) I am. Today I am sad, angry and confused and bored out of my ever-loving mind as well as very unfulfilled. Do not do this to yourself! Make sure you think about you and your future as well during those formative years. I am told that I need to practice gratitude and it will come right. Maybe meditation will help. Take a walk, do not binge eat, go for a swim, go to yoga make sure you see your therapist and so on and so on…and nothing helps. Today I have worked on fabric design, made four shirt designs using the Cricut and sold three auction items. How do I feel after this day? Miserable, sad, lonely and very anxious. The boy does not play fair either. He is leaving in 3 days and I have not heard from him since yesterday morning. Not a text not an f u….nothing. He is a typical self-absorbed teenage man but I have to be honest it hurts. We will not see him again until late December but he will see his girlfriend again within a month and on a regular basis through December but we are not given the time of day. I know he is grown. I know he has basically flown the nest but my emotions are raw about this turn of events. I even turned to the Ativan in the middle of the day today. I do not do that very much anymore. Not sure where I go from here but I just felt I wanted these emotions to be recorded today.