Butterflies and Bullshit

butterflypeonyThere has not really been much designing going on these past few days. I did make a cat lady scarf.LOL.My anxiety has got the better of me again. I have been struggling all week. It is not made any better by the fact that I am exhausted and have breathing issues. Yesterday was total BS. I started off the day visiting not-Jean my new therapist. This is just not working for me. She is truly a lovely lady, but I cannot gel with her. Now I do remember feeling the same way 3 years ago when I first saw my original therapist 3 years ago. I did not feel that was right or helpful and was I ever wrong. She saved my hide after I was wrecked for my medical crisis. I, however, had never binged on leaving her office. Yesterday, however, I had the worst binge I have had in years. My anxiety was overwhelming. I get sad because I have come so far away from that broken person(physically and mentally) that I would hate to backtrack. I can honestly say that I left there despondent yesterday. I do not know what to do. The problem is that therapists in this area do not return calls. I think I need to give her a few more tries and then if it is not working to try someone else. I have been having trouble breathing, and I am exhausted, so I went to check it out yesterday. The PA did not think it was the fact that my iron anemia is back. She checked my blood for DVT, She did an EKG, and she wants me to go for a stress test. The reason is that my Advair and albuterol is not working all the time. I am having a lot of trouble catching my breath. My blood was fine. The EKG was fine, so I am still not sure why I cannot breathe…it could be my anxiety I guess.

Today I have to share those goddamn slam poems in my English class. I am so cynical about it. I do not feel thrilled about having to share poems with a group of kids my son’s age. Bullshit. I am not impressed. Wow! I am cranky today and on the verge of tears. I have a great life, but I am still feeling miserable. I hope this veil lifts soon. I know that this can drag me down fast. I think that after school I will go and sit in my favorite coffee shop for an hour so that I can maybe chill out and unwind these tightly bound emotions. Why did no one ever tell me how hard this college thing was going to be as a mother. Why do women not share these things? I am really considering writing a book about things you wish your girlfriend, mother or sister had shared with you. Something that would have made coping with a situation a lot easier. This loss is excruciating, and it has not even happened yet. I get to keep him until the end of summer. Maybe I should channel these sad feelings into items with Mothers day sayings on them. Watch this space! I might as well try and make lemonade out of lemons. Arghhh. I sound so negative.

If I am going to share them with those little twits.LOL…just kidding then I might as well share them here. The first one is about my life changing after falling ill. The second one about immigration and the third is about Motherhood and letting go. Now, I do not claim to be a poet so bear with me. ENJOY!

Self Hate

Almost sealed my fate

fat sluggish, unaware until it was almost too late.

Motherhood.

I know where I stood

on the back burner

I was a very slow learner

Unwittingly marching to an early demise,

So easy to self-despise.

Playing roulette with life

Pain and agony cut like a knife.

Emergency call 911

Blissfully unraveling, and unaware

Collapse, surgery, and intensive care.

Hanging by a thread

Complications and misery.

How did I get here?
A long journey back

and the complications began to stack.

Small Steps slow recovery

Finding new strength, a major discovery.

Active, busy, painfully aware.

My end had given me the death stare.

Walking, growing, strengthening

My stamina’s daily lengthening.

Therapy, exercise, losing weight.

I now can stare at a brand new fate.

 

The Blonde one

with hair the color of the sun

Catholic schoolgirl

the life she knows about to unfurl

A carefully crafted secret, not ours to tell

one life story closely guarded is hell

Decisions made on her behalf.

she is a kid, after all, you have to laugh


Danger, crime, and political unrest

because of this we did our best.

Sixteen approaching. When to tell.

her whole life view blown to hell

Drivers license, college looming

through the secret, her life is blooming.

Years of secrecy washed away

by consul visit in a land far away

Do not presume from looks alone

to identify a person’s original home.

 

Giving birth

the agony, the pain,

the love of this little being can drive you insane.

He grew, he changed, he spread his wings.

Make sure you pay attention to the little things

A first step, a word.

The speed at which it

happens is quite absurd.

Soccer, football, Science, and Dance

finding your passion does not happen by chance.

He tried them all

I watched his soar

and watched walk and I watched him fall

He searched and discovered his writing ability

His acting talent was not futility.

He fluttered his wings, he flapped and flew.

He touched the sky as I always knew

East Coast, West Coast what will he decide

Can I cope with a continental divide?

Boston, New York where will it being a

mother comes with a fee.

Letting go

the agony, the pain

the love you feel is never in vain.

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Avocado Toast from my new favorite place. 

 

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